A Personal Imperfection

I have a few imperfections. I admit it. One of them stays pretty well hidden most of the time, even to the people who know me best. But the imperfection is there, this I can assure you.

I have an anxiety disorder with distinct hints of depression. The anxiety disorder generally goes by GAD or General Anxiety Disorder. It isn't always general however. About a dozen years ago I had trouble driving a car because the anxiety took the form of  obsession/compulsion. I had an unrealistic anxiety of wrecking the car and killing myself or others. Driving was terrifying. Even being a passenger was unsettling. I got cognitive therapy from a psychologist and over the course of a number of visits over several weeks, I beat the obsessive/compulsive element of the problem and ever since I've been able to drive a car with just occasional periods of emotional discomfort.

For most folks who have this form of disorder, their first negative experiences come fairly early in life. I first started getting signs when I was in my late forties; much later than the norm. For the last fifteen years or so the disorder has been with me. I can't shake free of it and probably never will. The good news is that most of the time it is not much more intruding than a background noise. But there are times when it just kind of jumps out at me and then just as quickly ducks back undercover, just lurking.

Now and then the disorder grabs a hold and sticks to me for a longer period of time. Maybe a week or so. I will feel despondent and worn out. I try to hide it because no one can do much about it. But for me, when those times come, I will occasionally get a moment when the discomfort subsides and I get an instant of feeling good. This "instant" is just that; perhaps fifteen seconds or so. Like the sun bursting through an overcast sky. That bit of sunshine may not be much but it can be enough to let me know that the sun still shines.

The last month or so the anxiety and depression have been unwelcome guests a bit too often. I am back with a psychologist and taking cognitive therapy. I also have medication which I have not yet taken due to the very real possibility of adverse side effects which happened to me about ten years ago when trying a different medication.

For me this isn't a totally crippling affliction. I still go to work, laugh, and crack bad jokes. But it can be like going to work and cracking bad jokes while standing in the cold rain; much of the fun and enjoyment is absent. But I'm an optimist, and I know sunny days are just ahead. They always have been.