Old Stuff

I've got a ton of old stuff. I can be seated at my computer, swivel around in my chair and my eyes will focus on several ancient relics.

There's an open closet just to my right. I can see a team shirt I wore while playing softball around 1976 or '77. In fact, now that I look in the closet a little deeper, there are two softball shirts hanging in there. One of them has Out-r-Inn stitched on it, which was the tavern that sponsored us, sponsored us about 1979 or so. Hanging alongside the softball shirts is a coat that was purchased for me by a former girlfriend. We broke-up in 1984. There in the closet is a workshirt from the mid-80s. Up on the shelf is an analog video camera, one of those things that weighs about 20 pounds. Okay, I should to get rid of that.

Across the room is this old table. Upon it is a computer that I no longer use but have never felt compelled to dispose of. The table was in my first apartment, left behind by the previous tenant. I moved into the apartment in 1970, the table has been with me ever since. I received my chest of drawers in the same apartment at the same time. I see in the corner a floor fan. God only knows how old that is. I probably bought it at Sun TV about 40 years ago. Next to my computer monitor is a souvenir cup from Yosemite. It's 25 years old, or in other words; practically new.

In the basement I have two sets of golf clubs. One was used by my father until he bought a new set, which represents the other set of clubs down in the basement. My dad died in 1991. There is a hockey stick down there too, hanging on the wall. The stick was used during the one and only hockey game I ever played in the mid-70s.

There is one new item in my cellar; a hot water heater. I had it installed yesterday. It cost me $700. I can afford $700. There wasn't much financial sting because I've saved some money over the years. Geez, I wonder how.  

A Personal Imperfection

I have a few imperfections. I admit it. One of them stays pretty well hidden most of the time, even to the people who know me best. But the imperfection is there, this I can assure you.

I have an anxiety disorder with distinct hints of depression. The anxiety disorder generally goes by GAD or General Anxiety Disorder. It isn't always general however. About a dozen years ago I had trouble driving a car because the anxiety took the form of  obsession/compulsion. I had an unrealistic anxiety of wrecking the car and killing myself or others. Driving was terrifying. Even being a passenger was unsettling. I got cognitive therapy from a psychologist and over the course of a number of visits over several weeks, I beat the obsessive/compulsive element of the problem and ever since I've been able to drive a car with just occasional periods of emotional discomfort.

For most folks who have this form of disorder, their first negative experiences come fairly early in life. I first started getting signs when I was in my late forties; much later than the norm. For the last fifteen years or so the disorder has been with me. I can't shake free of it and probably never will. The good news is that most of the time it is not much more intruding than a background noise. But there are times when it just kind of jumps out at me and then just as quickly ducks back undercover, just lurking.

Now and then the disorder grabs a hold and sticks to me for a longer period of time. Maybe a week or so. I will feel despondent and worn out. I try to hide it because no one can do much about it. But for me, when those times come, I will occasionally get a moment when the discomfort subsides and I get an instant of feeling good. This "instant" is just that; perhaps fifteen seconds or so. Like the sun bursting through an overcast sky. That bit of sunshine may not be much but it can be enough to let me know that the sun still shines.

The last month or so the anxiety and depression have been unwelcome guests a bit too often. I am back with a psychologist and taking cognitive therapy. I also have medication which I have not yet taken due to the very real possibility of adverse side effects which happened to me about ten years ago when trying a different medication.

For me this isn't a totally crippling affliction. I still go to work, laugh, and crack bad jokes. But it can be like going to work and cracking bad jokes while standing in the cold rain; much of the fun and enjoyment is absent. But I'm an optimist, and I know sunny days are just ahead. They always have been.